Relationships – Page 5

Fake Friends Can Be A Real Problem

Last week’s blog was entitled, A Real Friend is Good to Have. It discussed the values of having a true friend, especially in a time of need. This week’s blog shares the opposite.

Don’t be so quick to call everyone your friend. Everyone doesn’t deserve that title. Pay attention to the signs, and do not ignore them. Some signs may include: one-way conversations, poor choice of words, sarcasm, excessive joking, little enthusiasm, two-faced, and lack of support, to name a few.

One-Way Conversations

A two-way conversation involves talking and listening. But if you can barely get a word in, then it’s a one-way conversation. Many of us have had times when we needed to vent, but if that’s the only time you’re called, then you need to stop answering. That person is one-sided and full of drama. He’s not seeking advice, or she doesn’t value your opinion. He or she just wants to beat your ear drums with numerous decibels of nonsense. Recommend therapy and move on.

When’s the last time she called just to check in? When’s the last time he acknowledged your achievements privately instead of publicly? When’s the last time you received emotional support from that person, like a simple “sorry for your loss”?

I had to kick a few friends to the curb for showing lack of emotional support during my time of grief. Though they were more like mutual friends, they still consumed enough of my time in the past, and my time is too valuable to be squandered. If we’ve had multiple interactions over years, you always attend my parties, and you have my phone number, then you owe me a simple “sorry for your loss”, or you can get lost, for I’ve had associates to say the least.

Some of you may disagree with my approach, but I’m telling you from experience, those people are not worth keeping in your inner or outer circle.

Poor Choice of Words

Anyone who refers to your business as “little” or a “hustle” is not a true friend. The only time these words are acceptable is when you refer to it as such. You can’t expect anyone to call it something different when you downplay it yourself. It’s like getting upset when a friend calls you by the nickname you’ve given yourself. However, a friend who recognizes this flaw in the description of your business will correct you.

Be mindful that your friend might not mean any harm, if he or she is speaking casually and not known to belittle you. It’s how that person says it that should grab your attention. (Ex. “I see you got your lil t-shirt business going.”)

Sarcasm and Excessive Joking

“You got the promotion?” Girl, who’s behind did you have to kiss? Lol! I’m just playing. But congratulations!” First, sarcasm has no place in a healthy friendship. Second, if your achievements suddenly become a joke, then so is the friendship.

Little Enthusiasm

If your friends don’t get excited about your achievements, it may be a sign of jealousy. If they congratulate you with sarcasm, it may be a sign of jealousy and envy. Basically, the only time they’re happy is when the spotlight is not on you.

Two-Faced

A two-faced person is not just one who talks behind your back. He or she also does not defend you when you are being talked about. It is very possible to be friends with two people who never see eye-to-eye, but that friend must know to respect your boundaries when speaking of the other person. Anytime you allow someone to speak negatively of your friend in your presence, be it another friend or family member, your silence makes you two-faced.

Lack of Support

Support can take many different forms, and the lack thereof can contain all of the above. However, my focus here deals mainly with business ventures. First, let’s be clear. Your friend does not have to support everything you do, and sometimes you do need to ask for it. But just because you’ve started your own tax service, or you’re now selling insurance doesn’t mean they are obligated to switch providers. Nevertheless, that person has the duty of at least mentioning your product or service when the opportunity arises and sharing the info. An example of lack of support is when your friend purposely won’t purchase or share your product or service because it will benefit you. Bottom line, any friend that won’t support you out of spite is a hater, and hating is not healthy in any relationship.

Lastly, if your friends don’t show up to the launching event of your new business venture or project, they care nothing about you winning, especially while they’re losing. If it’s not a “turn up”, then don’t expect them to show up. Let those low vibrational friends go because they are not happy with themselves.

Now that you know how to identify a fake friend, remove the weed from your garden and do not become one.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Life of Pix

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A Real Friend is Good to Have

Last week’s blog was entitled, Don’t Lose Yourself Trying to Find Yourself. It basically talked about the dangers of trying to cope with emotional distress which can lead to emotional exhaustion, if not treated properly. Emotional exhaustion is what occurs when one becomes burned out from trying to deal with stress on his or her own.

I can’t tell you who to trust, but you must learn to trust someone. I find that people struggle with defining real friendships nowadays, and I can see why. However, if you do have someone deemed a “real” friend, now is the time to test the waters. A real friend is one who is trustworthy, honest, caring, selfless, loyal, unbias, nonjudgmental, and has empathy and your best interest at heart. Plus, he or she is not jealous or envious in any way.

Over the years, numerous conversations I’ve had about friendships revealed that so many people have either toxic or empty friendships. A toxic friendship is poisonous, whereas an empty friendship is purposeless. If you haven’t learned to identify and dispose of the two, they will only add to your emotional exhaustion. Quit letting negative energy into your space and expecting positive outcomes. One who is not a real friend is a real distraction.

“I called and she came through like a real friend would”….

I lost one of my oldest sisters to cancer and a close brother-in-law to sudden death within five months apart. I was just learning to cope with my sister’s death before my brother-in-law’s death came as a real shock. I was not mentally prepared for another death in my family and certainly did not intend to wrap up 2021 with another funeral. My emotions were all over the place, as I managed to be strong for my kids and husband. There was already a lot going on with the pandemic and all, and death did not make it any better.

After I had become emotionally exhausted from playing “Perfect Patty” from Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married?, I decided it was time to let someone in. This was a tough decision for me because I suppress my emotions so I can counsel others. But what about me? I had to ask myself. Which of my friends can I trust and confide in with my feelings, who is also a good listener and will actually make time for me as I often do for others? When I thought of more than two, I realized how blessed I am to have a healthy circle of friends I can count on, when many don’t have one.

When you are experiencing a tough time in your life, call up that friend. Take people up on their offers to help you when they tell you, “I’m here for you, if you need me.” Don’t take that lightly. Make them accountable, or don’t call them your friends. When my sister died, I felt a kind of pain I had never felt before. When my friends learned of the sad news, they made offers and I gladly accepted them. Whenever God sends his disciples to bless you in a time of need, embrace them with grace.

If you are a good person and the friendship is genuine, you’d be surprised at how eager someone is to do something for you. The friend I called not only listened, but she drove over 60 miles, in the midst of high gas prices, to spend a day with me. She scheduled her visit with me and did not renege or make excuses. Like myself, she has a busy life as well, but she made time. Upon her arrival, we talked, laughed, ate, and listened to good music. The vibe was cool and friendly. We never left the house. We just enjoyed each other’s company in a closed space.

That was much needed, good therapy for me. Thankfully, I’ve never needed to hire a therapist. Between my husband, family, and friends, I get all the love and attention I need. But most importantly, I have learned to make self-care a priority in my life. You should do the same.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Flickr by Cor Slee

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Voices of the Cheating Spouses

Life could be so less painful for married folk if one did not cheat. But unfortunately, that’s not the case. People cheat for many different reasons, but the intent is usually never to hurt the other person. In a world full of sin, cheating is the most committed domestic crime you can’t get locked up for. Why? Because it’s normal behavior. Nevertheless, that doesn’t make it okay.

Men and women cheat. Men just get caught more because they’re usually sloppy with it. Women are smart and clever. If she’s good at it, she’ll continue to take care of home and love her husband like no other can take his place. She keeps her house clean, but her panties are dirty. But he’ll never know because she’ll be covered in the sweet aroma of Bath and Body Works or Victoria’s Secret. She’ll greet him with a kiss, and he’ll know that he’s been missed.

I wouldn’t say she deserves an award, and I definitely wouldn’t say he needs to get better at it. However, there is a motive behind every action, good or bad. So, let’s dig deeper and find out why they do what they do. Meet the Seven Setbacks in a Marriage.

Meet Charles

Setback number one wants the best of both worlds. He might admire your brilliance and beauty, but the other woman loves to watch sports and drink beers with him – something you don’t like to do. And somehow, they wind up on top of each other. While I don’t condone cheating at all, I do understand that the intimate part of it is just a physical form of communication – no emotional attachment in most cases. That’s why it is so easy for many men to let go once they are busted. They usually miss the camaraderie more than the sex itself. So if you find out Betty Boo is not cuter than you, then that’s why. But if he keeps going back, the connection has strengthened beyond physical limits. At that point, your marriage is really in trouble.

Meet Helena

Setback number two is just selfish and insatiable. She wants a faithful man who is gentle and kind and makes plenty money to spoil her, so she doesn’t have to work hard. On top of that, she wants a “pipe layer” who she can also feel safe with in the streets. Oh, and it would be a plus if he makes her laugh. Sounds like perfect? Pretty darn close. So Helena loves and adores this man who purchased her at the highest bid, but Bob makes her laugh and hits the the spot each time. Oh, and he’s fine too.

Helena hasn’t figured out her priorities. She doesn’t enjoy being unfaithful and dishonest, but she still doesn’t feel as though her life is complete. Helena might need therapy and a hobby that doesn’t involve sleeping around with other men. Otherwise, she’s going to end up losing the good one she has – unless he’s henpecked.

Meet Edward

Setback number three had his heart broken by a girl he once loved deeply. Hence, he’s had his guards up ever since. Though he’s found a woman worth committing to, Edward has found pleasure in being in control of his situations. He knew marriage came with some restrictions, but he also knew he could miss out on a good woman if he didn’t commit. His juvenile heartbreak keeps him from being faithful but can also cost him a good woman if he doesn’t stop. He thinks it’s okay as long as he keeps his woman happy and doesn’t get caught. Edward will probably continue to cheat until he gets caught, which he will eventually. All flings have expiration dates. At that point, he’ll stop if she threatens to leave him or he realizes the pain he’s caused. Men like Edward are weak and insecure. They can’t keep a lick because it reminds them of the pain.

Meet April

Setback number four got married because all her friends were married and seemed very happy. Girls night had become couples dating. So she found a duck and plucked him until he didn’t have any feathers left because she’s never been truly loved by a man. April likes the idea of having a title and being spoiled, but she’s not too comfortable with the commitment part because her dude is lame and boring. Plus, she likes variety. He’s good “hubby” material, but she’s not good “wifey” material. He tried to do the magic trick of turning a whore into a housewife.

April’s husband is crazy about her and will do anything to keep her. Until he learns to put his foot down or April matures, she will continue to cheat. Instead of cleaning up her behavior, she’d rather put a good boy at risk.

Meet Troy

Setback number five was given an ultimatum and figured it was cheaper to keep her. After a 14-year common-law marriage, his girl wanted a title, and I don’t mean to a car. The couple was already sharing the responsibilities of a married couple like raising the kids, splitting the bills, etc. They even had vehicles loans in both their names. Troy loved his girl, but he didn’t want to feel trapped in a marriage. He figured marriage would complicate things, as he has witnessed in other marriages. Plus, he knew that it would cost more to get out of a marriage than it would to walk out of a relationship. Nevertheless, if he didn’t marry her, she would put a dent in his pocket either way with child support.

Troy’s girl wants a legal commitment and security. But little does she know, Troy didn’t want to commit because he wasn’t done playing the field. Thus, he plays it in their marriage, hoping to never get caught.

Meet Emily

Setback number six got married because she was led by the spirit, but she is really a nymphomaniac. One man doesn’t seem to satisfy her. Emily’s sex drive is higher than the twin towers. Moreover, she enjoys being pleasured by other females as well. She’s down for whatever when it comes to sex, but Mr. Church Guy is not as experienced as her. Plus, his sex drive is only average. Emily tries to keep herself busy and spiritually-fed, but she can’t seem to resist the pastor! Hopefully, her husband never finds out.

Meet Richard

Setback number seven is unhappy. He married his girl because he loved her and knew that marriage was the right thing to do, but he only stayed because of the kids. He knew his girl would threaten to take the kids if he left. Richard put his own desires aside to give his kids a stable two-parent home, but his feelings left a long time ago. Of course, something happened in their marriage to get them to that point. It could have been lack of communication or sex, financial hardship, some insecurity, the inability to compromise on something, or a past behavior that hasn’t been forgiven. Or, they could have simply grown apart and don’t know how to mend the relationship. Counseling could possibly save their marriage, but Richard chooses to relieve his stress by sleeping around with other women. When the kids are grown, they’ll most likely split.

Whether you are Charles, Helena, Emily, April, Troy, Edward, or Richard, your behavior will destroy your marriage if you don’t stop. While cheating is not the result of all failed marriages, it is the number one reason. If you don’t care about your marriage or that person, then you should tell him or her and quit living a lie. You are diminishing that person’s good years as well as your own.

If you really want your marriage to work, you should communicate with your spouse and express your feelings. Sometimes we tend to think our spouses know how we feel. People can’t read minds. That’s only in fairy tales. Your spouse might be thinking she is being the best wife she could be and vice versa. She might not like what you have to say, but at least she’ll be given the opportunity to reinvent herself. Your husband might think he’s putting it down, but you can only fake it for so long. Invite some new ideas or spontaneity into your marriage, not other people. But if that’s your thing, go for it. Just know that it can add spice as well as conflict to your marriage. Be creative but don’t create problems.

The reasons people cheat are not limited to the characters in the scenarios above. Everyone’s situation is different. Some are sexually deprived, emotionally detached, bored, curious, vindictive, insecure about themselves, addicted, stressed, depressed, or heartbroken about something. Some just like variety. Others are just nasty and shouldn’t been married.

Whatever is causing you to cheat, tackle that problem first. This might not be an easy fix if your strong sexual desires or negative feelings about the person are the root causes. You may need professional help, or you could be in the wrong marriage. God doesn’t put all couples together. Nevertheless, I do believe any marriage can work if the two are willing to tackle the problem together and withstand the stress that might come along with it. Remember what first attracted you to that persons and start from there.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Something captured your interest? Don’t be selfish. Share with your friends!