emotional health – Life Lessons

Kill Them with Confidence

Last week’s blog was entitled, Your Best Look is Maturity. I discussed how an adjustment in your attitude can improve conflict resolution. This week, I will share an important aspect of maturity.

Was It Really Necessary?

It took me a while to learn that every action did not deserve a reaction. I wouldn’t say I had always reacted to every jab thrown at me, but I did let some attack me emotionally. I would vent my frustrations and explanations on social media in full-length paragraphs. Then the comments would start rolling in from my virtual audience.

Though my messages were always solid and on point, I later realized they weren’t necessary. My character and accomplishments spoke for themselves.

Don’t Let Others Define You

I thought I had to be this perfect example for my peers because people expected nothing but the best from me. Growing up, I was known as this intelligent kid with a sweet spirit and bright future. I was gregarious and treated everyone with love and respect. I never intentionally broke the rules or behaved badly at home or school. Plus, I maintained a spot on the “A” Honor Roll and received many other accolades in school. Consequently, I was called a nerd and teacher’s pet.

I had no problem meeting anyone’s expectations until I became pregnant at 17, right after high school.

Here are a couple of remarks I received:

Janitor: You waited until you got out of school to do that?

Classmate: Bianca, how could you let this happen to you?

So much more was said prior to the pregnancy because I was dating a football jock. Plus, it was unlikely for me to be dating anyone. At the time, those words did hurt, but I didn’t know how to use my voice to defend myself. I could’ve lashed out on the classmate, but I was taught to respect my elders.

For years, I couldn’t understand why so many people had a negative opinion about me, when all I’d ever said were nice things to people, unless I felt attacked in an argument. From my choice to conceive, get married, stay in my marriage, relocate, and conceive again, the criticism was ongoing amongst family, friends, and peers. Whether I was winning or losing in life, seems like someone always had something to say about it. Can I get a witness?

I’m actually glad I didn’t find my voice until later in life because I would’ve had much more conflict. Seems like when I did, I had become too reckless at times. There was no balance. I was either hot or cold. I guess it was from years of biting my tongue and suppressing my feelings.

Kindness is Still Cool, but Confidence is Key

I was taught to kill people with kindness, and I still practice this virtue. But as I’ve grown wiser, I found it more powerful to kill people with confidence. You do so by not seeking validation.

You don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to be who you are. You were uniquely designed and custom made to fulfill your individual destiny. There’s a valid reason the for the “divide” in the word “individual”. No two people are the same, not even twins.

Be Yourself and Nothing Else

Whatever you do in life, do it with so much finesse until you exceed your own expectations, but don’t ever try to meet anyone else’s. That goes for your parents too. It creates too much anxiety and unnecessary stress. Do whatever you want to and be whomever you want to, not who they want you to be. The peace you will gain is painless and priceless!

Whatever choices you make, you must live with them. Should you make the wrong choice, have enough faith and confidence in yourself to make an epic rebound.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Flickr. Confidence by Mario

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Your Best Look is “Maturity”

Last week’s blog was entitled, Self Correction is the Best Remedy for Change. I shared a practical step-by-step behavioral self assessment. This week, I challenge you to implement that strategy for change in your daily walk.

We take time to choose the best outfit that flatters our figure or matches our masculinity, in the case of males, when dressing for a particular event or appointment. There’s no room for flaws in our appearance because we want to turn heads or make a good impression. Ladies will get a full salon and spa service, and gentlemen will leave the barbershop razor sharp. But why don’t we shape our attitude before leaving the house?

No More Drama

We could eliminate so much drama if we took as much time to groom our attitude as we do our body. There would be less Waffle House fights, bar and club fights, party and picnic fights, and the like. Why get all dressed up just to lose your dignity and possibly the fight, when you could’ve just walked away? At least, that’s what a “mature” person would do. Hopefully, this doesn’t apply to most of you.

The following scenarios are only hypothetical…

Maturity Lesson 1: Mistakes happen and we all make them.

Let’s say you’re running errands or headed to the grocery store. You’re dressed down in your loungewear instead. You get hungry and decide to pull up to a drive-thru fast food restaurant. As you pull over to the side to check your order, you notice it’s incorrect or something is missing. You used the drive-thru to avoid getting out of the car, so you enter the restaurant heated. By the time you make it to the counter, you’re creating a scene by arguing with the cashier over a biscuit and some fries. Now, your calorie count and blood pressure are high.

Maturity Lesson 2: Your lack of planning is not an urgency on another’s part.

Let’s say you’re headed to work and running late. Because you’re running late and everyone’s supposed to know that, you expect traffic to move faster. Suddenly, everyone is going too slow for you. You’re moving from lane to lane without using blinkers and riding everyone’s tail in bumper-to-bumper traffic. While you’re making suicide moves, traffic isn’t moving any faster and you’re probably still going to be late. Meanwhile, the last car you jumped in front of is only two to three car lengths behind you. Now you’ve created unnecessary road rage out of impatience and rudeness, when you could’ve left earlier.

Maturity Lesson 3: If it’s not true, then there’s no need to defend yourself.

Suppose you receive that disturbing phone call in which you are falsely accused, and you snap. Or maybe someone in your family is spreading false rumors about you, and you confront him or her with hostility.

Disturbing phone calls and in-person confrontations can go all the way left because they usually trigger a slap, punch, expletives, or regretful words. Your aggression makes you look guilty of something indeed. Even if the accusation or rumor isn’t true, it becomes evident you are defensive and quick-tempered.

Maturity Lesson 4: Nip it in the bud or let it go.

Perhaps it is finally time to address a serious matter with a friend, family member, spouse, colleague, church member, neighbor, etc and because you let it fester, you have built up aggression. Needless to say, the argument doesn’t go so well.

However, when it’s time to approach someone about a serious matter, you at least have time to gather your thoughts and a possible solution. The unknown lies in how the other person responds. You can only control your own actions.

Crowned by Maturity

Whether you win or lose in a battle, you walk away with respect when exercising maturity. The person who pushed your button or tried to challenge you then looks foolish because you took away his or her power. Fools are fueled by reactions. When you pull that plug, their engine dies.

I’ve failed many tests by reacting unfavorably. I’ve even resigned from a good job in my early twenties and probably wouldn’t have been eligible for rehire at other jobs because of my attitude. I once reproached the Dean of Education in a defaming letter, based on rumors from a messy secretary. My attitude back then was, “This is just how I am, like it or not.”

I was never a bad person. I just sometimes had a bad attitude when I felt challenged. But once I learned how to adjust my attitude, adjusting my crown came with ease.

A crown represents the pinnacle of personal development. We can’t call ourselves kings and queens if we’re not behaving like them. Therefore, whether you are preparing to attend a ball or run errands, your best look is always maturity.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Flickr. Maturity by Nikki Naughty

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Self Correction is the Best Remedy for Change

Over the past two weeks, I covered good and bad friendships. The next few weeks, I am going to focus on how you can become a better version of yourself.

I’m confident that self correction can help you become better because I’ve improved tremendously by practicing it for years and in the present. I love the woman I’ve become and the peace of gained from using this tool. You don’t need an expert to tell you how you can improve, for many of them struggle to do the same. Take a look around you. None of us is perfect.

It’s easy to point your finger at the other person when in conflict with someone because by default, you want to win that battle. Hence, you will justify your ugly words or actions at the time. It’s in our nature to pursue victory – yes, even in arguments. But sometimes doing so only makes matters worse. After your impulsive reaction from that heated argument, you must be willing to look deep inside yourself so you can identify where you need to plant the seed of change.

I have always believed that change starts with you. I don’t care who is wrong or right. How you respond in any given situation will either raise or lower your character bar. Whenever you’re faced with a situation that can have an unfavorable outcome, you can choose to remain calm or get your emotions stirred up. If you are over 40, you should definitely proceed with caution because an uptick in your blood pressure could send you to the emergency room or an extra therapy session.

You don’t always have to be right. You don’t always need to have the last word. And you don’t always have to react – period. Nevertheless, whenever you feel the need to defend yourself in an argument, make sure you listen before speaking or reacting. Other key things to consider is the person’s tone, energy, and attitude. Think about why that person is upset. Then you can gather your thoughts and respond accordingly.

I once received a disturbing phone call from a mutual friend. I was really caught off guard because the aggression she delivered was unusual. That’s why I didn’t react right away. In that particular instance, I did better than I thought I would have. I took the time to listen to her carefully before I snapped, and that didn’t happen until we had the second conversation. I had a chance to retreat and think about what she was saying. When I realized I was the victim of a vicious attack, I let her have it. And honestly, I fired back with less hostility than I would have in the past. I was more upset with the way I ended it than the accusation itself. Have you ever felt like that before?

However, I commended myself on how well I did in that situation compared to others. Today, I would pray for that person, suggest spiritual intervention, and simply hang up before letting my tongue get the best of me.

Self-correction is needed in order for you to grow and mature. It’s an integral part of personal development. As you practice it more often, your ability to resolve conflict will improve. When I was younger, I didn’t like being corrected, but I never minded owning up to my mistakes. But as I learned to self assess, it strengthened my ability to self correct. I no longer care to be right all the time. I just want to wear the badge of honor for being responsible and accountable for my actions.

If you are not sure of how to self correct, take the S.E.L.F. assessment below as often as needed.

S – Sit down and think about how you reacted in a given situation.

E – Evaluate your actions. In this step, weigh the pros and cons against how you reacted versus how you should’ve reacted.

L – Listen to your guilty conscience convicting you of your actions. Now that you realize the damage you’ve caused, was the penalty worth it?

F – Forgive yourself and find your way back to peace. Your mistakes are supposed to make you better, not miserable.

Sounds practical enough? Seems pretty easy? Well, sometimes it’s not. Depending on the person or issue, your mood, and what you’re dealing with in life at the time, you might still react unfavorably. But when you can admit to the faulty conflict resolution method applied, apologize as needed, and make a conscious effort to do better next time, your progression is a confession of change, and no one can contest that but God himself.

Self correction does not lead to perfection, and the ability to do so can take some time. Celebrate your wins in self improvement, and you’ll never feel as though you’ve lost an argument again.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Adobe Stock. It Starts With You by Thinglass

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