growth – Life Lessons

Don’t Hit Send Yet

Have you ever received a message that ruffled your feathers or made you a little uncomfortable? Think about how you responded versus how you should’ve responded. I’ve had my share of those messages in the past, and I failed the test each time up until 2019.

Oftentimes, it’s not necessarily what was said but how it was conveyed or who delivered it. Sometimes people get offended by one word or remark that triggered the negative reaction. Nothing else mentioned in the entire message mattered.

We are all sensitive to a set of triggers that can really get our blood boiling. Typical triggers can include the use of profanity or sexually explicit language, mentioning a loved one or painful past event, a negative tone, threats, and etc. What sets you off can be determined by many factors, but the good news is, there are ways to combat it.

Whenever or if ever you receive a disturbing text or direct message, never respond right away. Take these steps instead:

Breathe

Breathing exercises can immediately cease the need to react with haste. It helps to relieve the anger and balance your emotions, allowing you to rationalize instead of antagonizing the situation. Take as many deep breaths as necessary to release all the negative energy stirred up from that unsettling message.

Think

There’s a reason behind every message. Sometimes the message has nothing to do with the reason, or the reason doesn’t quite align with the message. In that case, there’s an underlying problem that may have nothing to do with you.

I once received a disturbing phone call from a mutual friend. I was totally caught off guard and clueless to what she was saying. There was never bad energy between us, so I knew something was off.

During the first conversation, I mostly listened to what she had to say to try to understand her point, only to learn that there was none. She took her anger and frustration out on me because of some personal issues she was dealing with in her life. I thought I was just an easy target, until learning that she was going off on everyone in her circle.

I must admit, the second conversation didn’t go so well. I ended up using profanity and hanging up on her. That one offensive line hurt her feelings deeply. Sadly, I wished I had gone harder. Don’t judge me. God wasn’t through with me yet. However, I thank God I didn’t let the devil use me because that poor woman is still lost until this day.

Whether the person is totally out of line or has a reasonable explanation, always think before you speak. It can help you quickly diffuse the situation and ease the pain.

Forgive

If you know anything about forgiveness, then you should know this is for you, not necessarily the other person. It really does create inner peace. Holding onto anger and grudges take too much power and control over you. Trust me. I know from experience.

You may never forget how that person treated you, but at least, you’ll have peace of mind, which is priceless. If you need God’s help with forgiveness, seek it. Ask him to show his face, listen to your thoughts, and heal your heart from the pain this person has caused. If you don’t think you can do it the same day in which the message was received, then don’t respond that day. Allow yourself time to reflect and heal, so you can forgive.

It’s also okay to let the person know you’ve forgiven him or her. She’s ready to go back and forth. But remember, it doesn’t become a fight until you step into the ring. You’d be surprised at how your mature reaction can quickly put out a fire, unless you’re dealing with an unstable person or one with mental health issues.

Respond

Now that you’re ready to respond, how will you? If you still want to curse this person out, then you’re not ready because you haven’t healed. Not sure how? You can always keep it short and sweet by saying something like, “None of this is true. I pray you get the answers you’re seeking.” “Your problem is not with me, but I’ll be praying for you.” “I’m sorry you feel this way, but this is totally unacceptable. I pray you get the help you need.” “I’m offended by your message. None of this makes sense. Nevertheless. I forgive you and pray that you get the help you deserve.” “No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I’ll be praying for you.” Or you can always just say, “I’ll be praying for you.”

Sometimes it may be necessary to call or meet up, depending on the relationship or circumstances. Texting can get really ugly because many people don’t know how to communicate that way effectively, leading to messages getting misconstrued.

“Whether the message came from a foe or friend, think before hitting send. When communication gets lost, conflict begins.”

-Bianca A. McCormick-Johnson ✍🏽

Black on Black Criticism

I know we’re not the only people to criticize our own, but we are a minority group – the most oppressed one at that. Black men can’t be faithful. Black women are classless. And the negative stereotypes we attack each other with go on and on.

Isn’t it enough that other races do it to us? In my own personal experience in the workplace, I’ve tried to be extra careful with my delivery in communications so I wouldn’t be referred to as “the angry Black woman”. But how come we don’t hear stuff like, “the rude Hispanic woman”, “the condescending or sarcastic White man”, or “the antisocial Asian”? Instead, we often hear people say stuff like, “Oh, that’s just how they are in their culture”. I’ve even found myself saying that. So, how come our behavior is never just a reflection of our culture? Since we’re making excuses for one another.

Let’s talk about a few of these stereotypes and how we can become better as a people.

Black men cheat

Of course they do. But they are not the only ones. I never knew cheating was limited to one small group of people. If you do some research or just look around, then you’ll find that all races cheat, not just Black people.

People from all walks of life cheat, including the LGBTQIA community. It’s not a Black problem. It’s a human problem.

Black men abandon their children

First, this is not limited to the Black man. Women of all races abandon children too. In fact, she does so every time she makes the decision to put a child up for adoption. And the most clever way of abandoning the responsibility of raising a child is by having an abortion.

Second, Black men do not abandon children. They abandon relationships, and the children suffer as a result. Women often use the child as a weapon. What better way to hurt a man? If the children were such a burden, then you’d let them go stay with their father. But you refuse because then you won’t qualify for child support.

I know responsible men who didn’t deserve to be put on child support, and I also know some deadbeats who did deserve it. I know couples who let the court decide and couples who didn’t need to. What about the Black men taking care of kids that are not his? Or the Black men who provide for his kids but never get to spend time with them because he’s always working?

It is very true that some Black men do abandon their children, but to say all Black men do is just unfair. Anytime you do not quantify the statement by saying “some” or “many”, you are generalizing an entire group with a negative stereotype.

Both men and women need to take responsibility. You are adult to know the risks of having sexual intercourse without protection. You should also pick your partners wisely, even if it is a one-night stand. You can’t go around blaming others for your mistakes or poor decisions. How can you teach your children to do so when you don’t? Lead by example.

It amazes me at how many guys get called bums and girls get called whores after the damage is already done. Most of the time, people know who they are dealing with before they get to the point of intimacy, which usually doesn’t take long.

Ladies, you thought nothing of his bum status when you saw him with his t-shirt off sweating on that basketball court in those gray sweatpants. Fellas, you cared nothing about her body count or character when you saw those jeans sprayed on her or how she was twerking in the club with that short dress on.

It’s fair to say that humans abandon their common sense and make impulsive decisions.

Black women have bad attitudes

So do Hispanic women, White women, and Asian women with the right triggers. Black women usually have more triggers. Oftentimes, we’re defensive because we’re defenseless in a world against us. We’re not privileged and never have been.

Black women are classless

What if we said Black men were asses? You’re insulting your own mother, if she’s a Black woman. It’s ridiculous to turn around and say you’re not talking about your own mother when making a statement like that, when you didn’t quantify it. I can agree that many women today are classless. I can even agree that many Black women today are classless, if we’re talking about a specific group of people. I can’t deny the truth.

But it’s a shame we have so many Black male podcasters attacking Black woman, when their platform should be used to uplift Black women. I’m never personally offended by any of their messages or any related social media posts I see because I know I don’t fit the descriptions. However, several women are sensitive to those negative messages.

If you don’t have a solution, then there’s no sense in just discussing the issue. Or at least address the issue with positive discussions.

Message 🗣️

Instead of making everything a Black problem, let’s call it what it really is – a human problem. Some issues are race or gender-specific. However, the aforementioned have nothing to do with race or gender. In order for us to grow as a people, we need to do less criticizing and more collaborating.

“A generational curse starts with a generational belief. If we set a negative tone for the next generation, then what have we achieved?”

-Bianca A. McCormick-Johnson ✍🏽

When The Clock Struck 45

I turned 45 years old on June 14, 2024. I didn’t look or feel any different, but my attitude and energy about certain things suddenly changed. I didn’t manifest these changes. They just happened.

It is what it is…..

The people in my life still matter, but the inactive ones just don’t matter as much anymore. No love is lost. I’ve just lost interest in reaching. The phone works both ways. I still care. I just don’t care whether they call, text, or show up for special events. And if they don’t acknowledge the second invitation, they won’t get a third.

Time has shown me that people make time for who they want to make time for, and it doesn’t matter whether they’re broke, broken, struggling, or grieving. I’m not making any excuses for anyone anymore. I’m no longer that friend you can call only when you’re in need. It is what it is.

Your feelings are your problem…..

As a Gemini woman, I have a pretty sharp tongue. My words can be used with love, kindness, or encouragement. But they can also be used to cut deep into your skin if I feel threatened, mistreated, used, or played.

I have really spared my tongue over the years after becoming a published author because I didn’t want to tarnish my reputation. Nevertheless, biting my tongue has not made me rich and wealthy.

I learned that if people are a fan of you just the way you are, they really don’t expect anything less. My audience is not weak and sensitive. So if you’re reading this, then neither are you.

No one can cancel me for speaking my mind. I’m no famous celebrity and don’t aspire to be one, especially if it comes at the expense of giving up my voice. If I wanted to do that, then I wouldn’t have self-published.

It’s a good thing I no longer have an interest in expressing my opinion on social media because my classmates really wouldn’t like me then. But, the feeling would be mutual because I don’t like some of them anyway. Most of my followers are alumni, family, and a few friends, and I’m not trying to impress or spare the feelings of neither anymore. However, they should be mindful of what they say to me or how they approach me in person.

I’m so glad my maturity and peaceful life keeps anyone who doesn’t like me or have done me wrong from living rent free in my head. I’m too blessed to think twice about people who add no value to my life. My posts have become more visual and less wordy. Besides, a picture speaks more than a thousand words.

I’m not perfect, but I’m not pitiful either. I’m not conceited, but my attitude is undefeated. I’m not petty, but my words can be painful. I’m not a celebrity, but I’m a force to be reckoned with, so be careful with me.

I’m happy, joyful, peaceful, and I love life. To know me is a blessing. To have me as a friend is a gift. To lose me is one of the worst things you could ever do. I’m no longer in the business of saving friendships. Either you’re in or you’re out. My circle of love has no room for backsliders.

I love it here…..

I’m finally feel free! Free from worrying about what I look like (self-consciously). Free from worrying about who likes me or accepts me and who doesn’t. Free from making other people’s problems my own. Free from people- pleasing. Free from giving too much of myself. Free from trying to fit in where I don’t belong. And free from allowing people to play on my generosity and good heart.

Most of these freedoms didn’t just happen, but I thought I’d share them all. I’d love to hear what you’re free from, but please don’t comment, “you’ve been this or been that”. Let me have my victory. I can’t stand it when people make a situation about themselves when I’m expressing my feelings. It’s like if a friend of mine tells me she just got married and I reply, “I’ve been married for 26 years. What took you so long?”

Although I’m proud of my personal growth and development, I have no regrets about how I used to be. I’m glad I didn’t seek revenge. I’m glad I didn’t pray on anyone’s downfall. I’m glad I remained humble and obedient. God has shown favor to me and my family. Plus, he’s elevated me in ways I never could’ve imagined.

I’ve never been a follower, but I’ve always been a leader. I’ve always been friendly and helpful. I’ve always been loyal, loving, caring, kind, patient, and understanding. I’ve never torn people down. I’ve never hurt anyone intentionally. And I’ve always had nothing but good things to say to people, so I couldn’t understand why it was easy to attack a person like me? I guess having character and morals make you the weakest link.

I left out plenty good characteristics about myself because this blog would then turn into another book. My name speaks for itself, and I practice what I preach. I take accountability for my actions and apologize when I’m wrong – unlike most people. Sadly, I’ve still been hurt and rejected by family, friends, and classmates.

However, this isn’t a pity post because I’m still standing and an amazing person. That will never change. In fact, I get better every day. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m just doing one of the things I do best – expressing my feelings. Don’t be afraid to do the same.

“Love others, but love yourself more. People will finesse you with their words and fool you with their actions.”

-Bianca A. McCormick-Johnson ✍🏽