Self Care – Page 3 – Life Lessons

Fake Friends Can Be A Real Problem

Last week’s blog was entitled, A Real Friend is Good to Have. It discussed the values of having a true friend, especially in a time of need. This week’s blog shares the opposite.

Don’t be so quick to call everyone your friend. Everyone doesn’t deserve that title. Pay attention to the signs, and do not ignore them. Some signs may include: one-way conversations, poor choice of words, sarcasm, excessive joking, little enthusiasm, two-faced, and lack of support, to name a few.

One-Way Conversations

A two-way conversation involves talking and listening. But if you can barely get a word in, then it’s a one-way conversation. Many of us have had times when we needed to vent, but if that’s the only time you’re called, then you need to stop answering. That person is one-sided and full of drama. He’s not seeking advice, or she doesn’t value your opinion. He or she just wants to beat your ear drums with numerous decibels of nonsense. Recommend therapy and move on.

When’s the last time she called just to check in? When’s the last time he acknowledged your achievements privately instead of publicly? When’s the last time you received emotional support from that person, like a simple “sorry for your loss”?

I had to kick a few friends to the curb for showing lack of emotional support during my time of grief. Though they were more like mutual friends, they still consumed enough of my time in the past, and my time is too valuable to be squandered. If we’ve had multiple interactions over years, you always attend my parties, and you have my phone number, then you owe me a simple “sorry for your loss”, or you can get lost, for I’ve had associates to say the least.

Some of you may disagree with my approach, but I’m telling you from experience, those people are not worth keeping in your inner or outer circle.

Poor Choice of Words

Anyone who refers to your business as “little” or a “hustle” is not a true friend. The only time these words are acceptable is when you refer to it as such. You can’t expect anyone to call it something different when you downplay it yourself. It’s like getting upset when a friend calls you by the nickname you’ve given yourself. However, a friend who recognizes this flaw in the description of your business will correct you.

Be mindful that your friend might not mean any harm, if he or she is speaking casually and not known to belittle you. It’s how that person says it that should grab your attention. (Ex. “I see you got your lil t-shirt business going.”)

Sarcasm and Excessive Joking

“You got the promotion?” Girl, who’s behind did you have to kiss? Lol! I’m just playing. But congratulations!” First, sarcasm has no place in a healthy friendship. Second, if your achievements suddenly become a joke, then so is the friendship.

Little Enthusiasm

If your friends don’t get excited about your achievements, it may be a sign of jealousy. If they congratulate you with sarcasm, it may be a sign of jealousy and envy. Basically, the only time they’re happy is when the spotlight is not on you.

Two-Faced

A two-faced person is not just one who talks behind your back. He or she also does not defend you when you are being talked about. It is very possible to be friends with two people who never see eye-to-eye, but that friend must know to respect your boundaries when speaking of the other person. Anytime you allow someone to speak negatively of your friend in your presence, be it another friend or family member, your silence makes you two-faced.

Lack of Support

Support can take many different forms, and the lack thereof can contain all of the above. However, my focus here deals mainly with business ventures. First, let’s be clear. Your friend does not have to support everything you do, and sometimes you do need to ask for it. But just because you’ve started your own tax service, or you’re now selling insurance doesn’t mean they are obligated to switch providers. Nevertheless, that person has the duty of at least mentioning your product or service when the opportunity arises and sharing the info. An example of lack of support is when your friend purposely won’t purchase or share your product or service because it will benefit you. Bottom line, any friend that won’t support you out of spite is a hater, and hating is not healthy in any relationship.

Lastly, if your friends don’t show up to the launching event of your new business venture or project, they care nothing about you winning, especially while they’re losing. If it’s not a “turn up”, then don’t expect them to show up. Let those low vibrational friends go because they are not happy with themselves.

Now that you know how to identify a fake friend, remove the weed from your garden and do not become one.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Life of Pix

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A Real Friend is Good to Have

Last week’s blog was entitled, Don’t Lose Yourself Trying to Find Yourself. It basically talked about the dangers of trying to cope with emotional distress which can lead to emotional exhaustion, if not treated properly. Emotional exhaustion is what occurs when one becomes burned out from trying to deal with stress on his or her own.

I can’t tell you who to trust, but you must learn to trust someone. I find that people struggle with defining real friendships nowadays, and I can see why. However, if you do have someone deemed a “real” friend, now is the time to test the waters. A real friend is one who is trustworthy, honest, caring, selfless, loyal, unbias, nonjudgmental, and has empathy and your best interest at heart. Plus, he or she is not jealous or envious in any way.

Over the years, numerous conversations I’ve had about friendships revealed that so many people have either toxic or empty friendships. A toxic friendship is poisonous, whereas an empty friendship is purposeless. If you haven’t learned to identify and dispose of the two, they will only add to your emotional exhaustion. Quit letting negative energy into your space and expecting positive outcomes. One who is not a real friend is a real distraction.

“I called and she came through like a real friend would”….

I lost one of my oldest sisters to cancer and a close brother-in-law to sudden death within five months apart. I was just learning to cope with my sister’s death before my brother-in-law’s death came as a real shock. I was not mentally prepared for another death in my family and certainly did not intend to wrap up 2021 with another funeral. My emotions were all over the place, as I managed to be strong for my kids and husband. There was already a lot going on with the pandemic and all, and death did not make it any better.

After I had become emotionally exhausted from playing “Perfect Patty” from Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married?, I decided it was time to let someone in. This was a tough decision for me because I suppress my emotions so I can counsel others. But what about me? I had to ask myself. Which of my friends can I trust and confide in with my feelings, who is also a good listener and will actually make time for me as I often do for others? When I thought of more than two, I realized how blessed I am to have a healthy circle of friends I can count on, when many don’t have one.

When you are experiencing a tough time in your life, call up that friend. Take people up on their offers to help you when they tell you, “I’m here for you, if you need me.” Don’t take that lightly. Make them accountable, or don’t call them your friends. When my sister died, I felt a kind of pain I had never felt before. When my friends learned of the sad news, they made offers and I gladly accepted them. Whenever God sends his disciples to bless you in a time of need, embrace them with grace.

If you are a good person and the friendship is genuine, you’d be surprised at how eager someone is to do something for you. The friend I called not only listened, but she drove over 60 miles, in the midst of high gas prices, to spend a day with me. She scheduled her visit with me and did not renege or make excuses. Like myself, she has a busy life as well, but she made time. Upon her arrival, we talked, laughed, ate, and listened to good music. The vibe was cool and friendly. We never left the house. We just enjoyed each other’s company in a closed space.

That was much needed, good therapy for me. Thankfully, I’ve never needed to hire a therapist. Between my husband, family, and friends, I get all the love and attention I need. But most importantly, I have learned to make self-care a priority in my life. You should do the same.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Flickr by Cor Slee

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Learn to Be Happy in That Moment

Happiness is a choice. You can either claim it or disown it. Don’t believe me? Try pushing that smile button and keep applying pressure until you begin to feel happy.

Remember those old gas heaters? You had to keep applying pressure until that pilot lit up. You heard several clicks before hearing that rush from the pilot. It was like a sense of relief! At that moment, you felt instant gratification for that heater because you knew warmth was on the way! You were so determined to feel that heat that you wouldn’t stop applying pressure.

In that same way, you must apply pressure to trigger happiness in your life. However, you must understand that happiness is a temporary feeling. No one can be happy all the time because it can immediately be overturned by some unfortunate incident.

Think about a time(s) in your life when you were happy, then suddenly, that one phone call or incident zapped it all away. Well, I can name several. Can I get a witness?

It is nearly impossible to remain happy after hearing disturbing news or being involved in a serious incident. It will certainly take time and spiritual intervention to bounce back. Some instances might take an extended period of time plus therapy. But choosing to remain broken, depressed, or despondent is where you come in.

You cannot change what happened to you, but you can change what you think about. The memory will reappear, especially when idle, but you must change the channel in your mind, just as you do when searching for something interesting or entertaining to watch on television.

Sometimes, you may have to change your environment or objects in your space. For example, I recently removed obituaries of my deceased sister and brother-in-law from my work space because they were conjuring up sad memories way too often. I didn’t realize the damage it was doing to my spirit.

Nevertheless, seeing my sister’s smiling face on my screen saver and thinking of fun times with my brother-in-law make me smile and focus on good memories of them. But this might not affect another individual in the same way. That’s why it is important to do what works for you. Do whatever it takes to recapture that smile over and over again, until you begin to feel happy – even if it’s only for that moment.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Flickr by Cartale

Something captured your interest? Don’t be selfish. Share with your friends!