Peace – Page 5 – Life Lessons

Kill Them with Confidence

Last week’s blog was entitled, Your Best Look is Maturity. I discussed how an adjustment in your attitude can improve conflict resolution. This week, I will share an important aspect of maturity.

Was It Really Necessary?

It took me a while to learn that every action did not deserve a reaction. I wouldn’t say I had always reacted to every jab thrown at me, but I did let some attack me emotionally. I would vent my frustrations and explanations on social media in full-length paragraphs. Then the comments would start rolling in from my virtual audience.

Though my messages were always solid and on point, I later realized they weren’t necessary. My character and accomplishments spoke for themselves.

Don’t Let Others Define You

I thought I had to be this perfect example for my peers because people expected nothing but the best from me. Growing up, I was known as this intelligent kid with a sweet spirit and bright future. I was gregarious and treated everyone with love and respect. I never intentionally broke the rules or behaved badly at home or school. Plus, I maintained a spot on the “A” Honor Roll and received many other accolades in school. Consequently, I was called a nerd and teacher’s pet.

I had no problem meeting anyone’s expectations until I became pregnant at 17, right after high school.

Here are a couple of remarks I received:

Janitor: You waited until you got out of school to do that?

Classmate: Bianca, how could you let this happen to you?

So much more was said prior to the pregnancy because I was dating a football jock. Plus, it was unlikely for me to be dating anyone. At the time, those words did hurt, but I didn’t know how to use my voice to defend myself. I could’ve lashed out on the classmate, but I was taught to respect my elders.

For years, I couldn’t understand why so many people had a negative opinion about me, when all I’d ever said were nice things to people, unless I felt attacked in an argument. From my choice to conceive, get married, stay in my marriage, relocate, and conceive again, the criticism was ongoing amongst family, friends, and peers. Whether I was winning or losing in life, seems like someone always had something to say about it. Can I get a witness?

I’m actually glad I didn’t find my voice until later in life because I would’ve had much more conflict. Seems like when I did, I had become too reckless at times. There was no balance. I was either hot or cold. I guess it was from years of biting my tongue and suppressing my feelings.

Kindness is Still Cool, but Confidence is Key

I was taught to kill people with kindness, and I still practice this virtue. But as I’ve grown wiser, I found it more powerful to kill people with confidence. You do so by not seeking validation.

You don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to be who you are. You were uniquely designed and custom made to fulfill your individual destiny. There’s a valid reason the for the “divide” in the word “individual”. No two people are the same, not even twins.

Be Yourself and Nothing Else

Whatever you do in life, do it with so much finesse until you exceed your own expectations, but don’t ever try to meet anyone else’s. That goes for your parents too. It creates too much anxiety and unnecessary stress. Do whatever you want to and be whomever you want to, not who they want you to be. The peace you will gain is painless and priceless!

Whatever choices you make, you must live with them. Should you make the wrong choice, have enough faith and confidence in yourself to make an epic rebound.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Flickr. Confidence by Mario

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Self Correction is the Best Remedy for Change

Over the past two weeks, I covered good and bad friendships. The next few weeks, I am going to focus on how you can become a better version of yourself.

I’m confident that self correction can help you become better because I’ve improved tremendously by practicing it for years and in the present. I love the woman I’ve become and the peace of mind gained from using this tool. You don’t need an expert to tell you how you can improve, for many of them struggle to do the same. Take a look around you. None of us is perfect.

It’s easy to point your finger at the other person when in conflict with someone because by default, you want to win that battle. Hence, you will justify your ugly words or actions at the time. It’s in our nature to pursue victory – yes, even in arguments. But sometimes doing so only makes matters worse. After your impulsive reaction from that heated argument, you must be willing to look deep inside yourself so you can identify where you need to plant the seed of change.

I have always believed that change starts with you. I don’t care who is wrong or right. How you respond in any given situation will either raise or lower your character bar. Whenever you’re faced with a situation that can have an unfavorable outcome, you can choose to remain calm or get your emotions stirred up. If you are over 40, you should definitely proceed with caution because an uptick in your blood pressure could send you to the emergency room or an extra therapy session.

You don’t always have to be right. You don’t always need to have the last word. And you don’t always have to react – period. Nevertheless, whenever you feel the need to defend yourself in an argument, make sure you listen before speaking or reacting. Other key things to consider is the person’s tone, energy, and attitude. Think about why that person is upset. Then you can gather your thoughts and respond accordingly.

I once received a disturbing phone call from a mutual friend. I was really caught off guard because the aggression she delivered was unusual. That’s why I didn’t react right away. In that particular instance, I did better than I thought I would have. I took the time to listen to her carefully before I snapped, and that didn’t happen until we had the second conversation. I had a chance to retreat and think about what she was saying. When I realized I was the victim of a vicious attack, I let her have it. And honestly, I fired back with less hostility than I would have in the past. I was more upset with the way I ended it than the accusation itself. Have you ever felt like that before?

However, I commended myself on how well I did in that situation compared to others. Today, I would pray for that person, suggest spiritual intervention, and simply hang up before letting my tongue get the best of me.

Self-correction is needed in order for you to grow and mature. It’s an integral part of personal development. As you practice it more often, your ability to resolve conflict will improve. When I was younger, I didn’t like being corrected, but I never minded owning up to my mistakes. But as I learned to self assess, it strengthened my ability to self correct. I no longer care to be right all the time. I just want to wear the badge of honor for being responsible and accountable for my actions.

If you are not sure of how to self correct, take the S.E.L.F. assessment below as often as needed.

S – Sit down and think about how you reacted in a given situation.

E – Evaluate your actions. In this step, weigh the pros and cons against how you reacted versus how you should’ve reacted.

L – Listen to your guilty conscience convicting you of your actions. Now that you realize the damage you’ve caused, was the penalty worth it?

F – Forgive yourself and find your way back to peace. Your mistakes are supposed to make you better, not miserable.

Sounds practical enough? Seems pretty easy? Well, sometimes it’s not. Depending on the person or issue, your mood, and what you’re dealing with in life at the time, you might still react unfavorably. But when you can admit to the faulty conflict resolution method applied, apologize as needed, and make a conscious effort to do better next time. Your progression is a confession of change, and no one can contest that but God himself.

Self correction does not lead to perfection, and the ability to do so can take some time. Celebrate your wins in self improvement, and you’ll never feel as though you’ve lost an argument again.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Adobe Stock. It Starts With You by Thinglass

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Fake Friends Can Be A Real Problem

Last week’s blog was entitled, A Real Friend is Good to Have. It discussed the values of having a true friend, especially in a time of need. This week’s blog shares the opposite.

Don’t be so quick to call everyone your friend. Everyone doesn’t deserve that title. Pay attention to the signs, and do not ignore them. Some signs may include: one-way conversations, poor choice of words, sarcasm, excessive joking, little enthusiasm, two-faced, and lack of support, to name a few.

One-Way Conversations

A two-way conversation involves talking and listening. But if you can barely get a word in, then it’s a one-way conversation. Many of us have had times when we needed to vent, but if that’s the only time you’re called, then you need to stop answering. That person is one-sided and full of drama. He’s not seeking advice, or she doesn’t value your opinion. He or she just wants to beat your ear drums with numerous decibels of nonsense. Recommend therapy and move on.

When’s the last time she called just to check in? When’s the last time he acknowledged your achievements privately instead of publicly? When’s the last time you received emotional support from that person, like a simple “sorry for your loss”?

I had to kick a few friends to the curb for showing lack of emotional support during my time of grief. Though they were more like mutual friends, they still consumed enough of my time in the past, and my time is too valuable to be squandered. If we’ve had multiple interactions over years, you always attend my parties, and you have my phone number, then you owe me a simple “sorry for your loss”, or you can get lost, for I’ve had associates to say the least.

Some of you may disagree with my approach, but I’m telling you from experience, those people are not worth keeping in your inner or outer circle.

Poor Choice of Words

Anyone who refers to your business as “little” or a “hustle” is not a true friend. The only time these words are acceptable is when you refer to it as such. You can’t expect anyone to call it something different when you downplay it yourself. It’s like getting upset when a friend calls you by the nickname you’ve given yourself. However, a friend who recognizes this flaw in the description of your business will correct you.

Be mindful that your friend might not mean any harm, if he or she is speaking casually and not known to belittle you. It’s how that person says it that should grab your attention. (Ex. “I see you got your lil t-shirt business going.”)

Sarcasm and Excessive Joking

“You got the promotion?” Girl, who’s behind did you have to kiss? Lol! I’m just playing. But congratulations!” First, sarcasm has no place in a healthy friendship. Second, if your achievements suddenly become a joke, then so is the friendship.

Little Enthusiasm

If your friends don’t get excited about your achievements, it may be a sign of jealousy. If they congratulate you with sarcasm, it may be a sign of jealousy and envy. Basically, the only time they’re happy is when the spotlight is not on you.

Two-Faced

A two-faced person is not just one who talks behind your back. He or she also does not defend you when you are being talked about. It is very possible to be friends with two people who never see eye-to-eye, but that friend must know to respect your boundaries when speaking of the other person. Anytime you allow someone to speak negatively of your friend in your presence, be it another friend or family member, your silence makes you two-faced.

Lack of Support

Support can take many different forms, and the lack thereof can contain all of the above. However, my focus here deals mainly with business ventures. First, let’s be clear. Your friend does not have to support everything you do, and sometimes you do need to ask for it. But just because you’ve started your own tax service, or you’re now selling insurance doesn’t mean they are obligated to switch providers. Nevertheless, that person has the duty of at least mentioning your product or service when the opportunity arises and sharing the info. An example of lack of support is when your friend purposely won’t purchase or share your product or service because it will benefit you. Bottom line, any friend that won’t support you out of spite is a hater, and hating is not healthy in any relationship.

Lastly, if your friends don’t show up to the launching event of your new business venture or project, they care nothing about you winning, especially while they’re losing. If it’s not a “turn up”, then don’t expect them to show up. Let those low vibrational friends go because they are not happy with themselves.

Now that you know how to identify a fake friend, remove the weed from your garden and do not become one.

And remember… “Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

Submit topic suggestions using the “Contact Me” page.

Photo: Life of Pix

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