Forgiveness – Life Lessons

Don’t Hit Send Yet

Have you ever received a message that ruffled your feathers or made you a little uncomfortable? Think about how you responded versus how you should’ve responded. I’ve had my share of those messages in the past, and I failed the test each time up until 2019.

Oftentimes, it’s not necessarily what was said but how it was conveyed or who delivered it. Sometimes people get offended by one word or remark that triggered the negative reaction. Nothing else mentioned in the entire message mattered.

We are all sensitive to a set of triggers that can really get our blood boiling. Typical triggers can include the use of profanity or sexually explicit language, mentioning a loved one or painful past event, a negative tone, threats, and etc. What sets you off can be determined by many factors, but the good news is, there are ways to combat it.

Whenever or if ever you receive a disturbing text or direct message, never respond right away. Take these steps instead:

Breathe

Breathing exercises can immediately cease the need to react with haste. It helps to relieve the anger and balance your emotions, allowing you to rationalize instead of antagonizing the situation. Take as many deep breaths as necessary to release all the negative energy stirred up from that unsettling message.

Think

There’s a reason behind every message. Sometimes the message has nothing to do with the reason, or the reason doesn’t quite align with the message. In that case, there’s an underlying problem that may have nothing to do with you.

I once received a disturbing phone call from a mutual friend. I was totally caught off guard and clueless to what she was saying. There was never bad energy between us, so I knew something was off.

During the first conversation, I mostly listened to what she had to say to try to understand her point, only to learn that there was none. She took her anger and frustration out on me because of some personal issues she was dealing with in her life. I thought I was just an easy target, until learning that she was going off on everyone in her circle.

I must admit, the second conversation didn’t go so well. I ended up using profanity and hanging up on her. That one offensive line hurt her feelings deeply. Sadly, I wished I had gone harder. Don’t judge me. God wasn’t through with me yet. However, I thank God I didn’t let the devil use me because that poor woman is still lost until this day.

Whether the person is totally out of line or has a reasonable explanation, always think before you speak. It can help you quickly diffuse the situation and ease the pain.

Forgive

If you know anything about forgiveness, then you should know this is for you, not necessarily the other person. It really does create inner peace. Holding onto anger and grudges take too much power and control over you. Trust me. I know from experience.

You may never forget how that person treated you, but at least, you’ll have peace of mind, which is priceless. If you need God’s help with forgiveness, seek it. Ask him to show his face, listen to your thoughts, and heal your heart from the pain this person has caused. If you don’t think you can do it the same day in which the message was received, then don’t respond that day. Allow yourself time to reflect and heal, so you can forgive.

It’s also okay to let the person know you’ve forgiven him or her. She’s ready to go back and forth. But remember, it doesn’t become a fight until you step into the ring. You’d be surprised at how your mature reaction can quickly put out a fire, unless you’re dealing with an unstable person or one with mental health issues.

Respond

Now that you’re ready to respond, how will you? If you still want to curse this person out, then you’re not ready because you haven’t healed. Not sure how? You can always keep it short and sweet by saying something like, “None of this is true. I pray you get the answers you’re seeking.” “Your problem is not with me, but I’ll be praying for you.” “I’m sorry you feel this way, but this is totally unacceptable. I pray you get the help you need.” “I’m offended by your message. None of this makes sense. Nevertheless. I forgive you and pray that you get the help you deserve.” “No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I’ll be praying for you.” Or you can always just say, “I’ll be praying for you.”

Sometimes it may be necessary to call or meet up, depending on the relationship or circumstances. Texting can get really ugly because many people don’t know how to communicate that way effectively, leading to messages getting misconstrued.

“Whether the message came from a foe or friend, think before hitting send. When communication gets lost, conflict begins.”

-Bianca A. McCormick-Johnson ✍🏽

Protect Your Good Heart

You should show love to everyone who crosses your path, but be careful with whom you show care to. I’m not saying not to care at all. Just minimize it when it comes to strangers and those you are not well acquainted with. People will take your kindness for granted and bruise your heart with their selfish motives.

My Experience

At one time, I was an easy target to get over on. All you had to do was feed me a sad story, and I would figure out a way to help. I wasn’t a random selection. People sense when you are benevolent, especially when you showcase your noble character consistently. You may not seem likely to say no, and if this is so, then you must learn to.

I once received a direct message out of the blue from a former colleague. We were never friends, other than on social media, but we supported each other. She sold clothes. I sold books. The exchange was friendly and much appreciated on each end. I even went the extra mile and shared her new releases on social media often because I was inspired by her hustle. So when things started to get rough around the edges, I guess she figured I wouldn’t mind helping her out.

She pitched me this sad story about being stranded on the side of the road because of a mechanical breakdown. She claimed she had rolled over something and needed to pay for a part. She caught me at a busy time at work, so I didn’t get the full details and let the whole story digest. Otherwise, I would have asked, “Don’t you need the car towed to get the part installed?”

I didn’t bother about the details because I thought I was helping out a “seemingly” good person. She would always post her charity work and other acts of benevolence. Besides, the transaction was supposed to be a loan, not a grant. She had also claimed that she only needed my funds because hers was not accessible for some reason. Therefore, I was supposed to be getting my money back that same day. Needless to say, that never happened.

Long story short, she led me on for about a month before I realized she was never going to pay me back. She played so many games and told so many lies until I was convinced that she was a certified con artist and lunatic. By that time, I was so furious, my last text message to her was sharp enough to cut through steel. One of my friends, who was well acquainted with the perpetrator, said I went too hard because she was not mentally stable. However, she was stable and functional enough to plot and scheme. Therefore, I was unapologetic, especially after learning that she had asked several others for the same amount, using the same excuse. She had the board game mapped out. I was only one of her players.

We must stop playing the mental card every time someone commits a crime. Some people are mentally ill, whereas some are cunning, treacherous, or pure evil. Either way, no one is exempt from punishment.

Please understand that I am very aware and sensitive to mental health issues, for I have family members suffering with mental illness. I recently lost a brother-in-law who suffered with bipolar disorder and paranoia. But there is a significant difference between a con artist and one who’s bipolar, paranoid, or schizophrenic.

Their Problem is Not Your Problem

Help whomever you can whenever you can, but do not make his or her problem your problem. It’s not selfishness. It’s called protecting your peace. You cannot help everyone. You cannot save everyone. It’s not even your duty to do so because you are not God. Saying no is a way of practicing self-care, not selfishness. Even spiritual leaders turn down some assignments. Your inability or unwillingness to help someone will not reduce your character or shorten your blessings. God knows your heart.

Nevertheless, if you watch someone fall or suffer when you could have been a blessing, your heart has become contaminated. Use your gift of discernment when helping others, but don’t ever ignore your call of duty. Obedience has no limits.

Don’t Lend, Just Give

I learned that it is better to just give instead of lend. It removes the element of anger or disappointment when that person cannot or will not pay you back. You’ll also feel more like a blessing than a bank when doing so. Either give your due tithe/offering or an amount that will not hurt your pockets. However, if you already have a good lending relationship with some people, there’s no need to change the terms now. Still, don’t lend an amount you may miss because the borrower’s promise to pay back can always be compromised by some unforeseen event or extenuating circumstance. That’s why professional lenders require collateral.

I’ve been a borrower, lender, and giver. The latter has always felt better because borrowers have to beg and lenders risk losing, but givers receive the priceless gift of peace, amongst other things. Giving a provides a kind of peace that removes the anxiety from borrowing and pressure from lending. Try it!

The Lessons

In the case of the con artist, I made peace with the situation and accepted the loss a long time ago. Anger only adds to stress and steals your joy. Thus, I have forgiven her wholeheartedly. The lessons learned from that instance is to never let someone else’s problem create an urgency on your part, if that person is not in your circle of love, and always be prepared to give what God has placed on your heart. Nonetheless, if ever you are uncertain, especially with all the scams nowadays, always pray for guidance first.

Have a heart, but be smart.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

Photo: Flickr. Heart by Evelien Noens

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Are You Ready For The Second Quarter?

Speaking in terms of life, did your game start out quite well, or was it pretty bad? This is the question you should be meditating on because the end of the first quarter of this year is already near. Thus, it’s time to make some changes. Companies operate like this, so why shouldn’t we? Don’t wait until the new year to make necessary changes in your life. Start assessing your behavior and tracking your progress quarterly instead of yearly. By applying this method, you will begin to realize improvements in your attitude and reach your goals faster. Besides, why carry on a behavior or practice all throughout the year when it can be corrected or improved sooner?

If your first quarter went well, good for you. Let’s keep it going. But if you are working towards human improvement as well as success, which are equally important, let’s go through a few check points to make sure you’re on the right track.

Behavioral Assessment: (answer all that may apply)

1. Are you still holding on to something you should’ve let go by now?

• You should let it go because it can have power and control over you and block your blessings, which will hinder your success. You may not think it is damaging to your spirit, but it is because you haven’t let go. When constantly speak negatively of that person or situation, you haven’t moved on from it. You may have learned from it, but you certainly haven’t moved on from it. You become free and clear of the bitterness when the thought can run across your mind without disrupting your spirit. You learn to speak of it from a positive standpoint.

2. Have you admitted to any wrongdoings?

• You’re still holding to on to what someone has done to you, but you never admit to your own wrongdoings in the same situation or another. What makes you so different? If you’ve had many instances like this, you may be the problem. And I don’t mean that in a negative way. Sometimes our approach to handling certain situations is not always favorable to the outcome. Hence, you should always think before you speak or act in any given situation. It can preserve your reputation and make your more diplomatic.

3. Have you forgiven a person(s) who have done you wrong?

• Before diving in, I’d like to add a disclaimer. Holding on to something is not an implication that one hasn’t forgiven a person. Some people say you should forgive and forget. But truth is, you forgive and recover, but you don’t forget. That’s like asking someone not to be human. You can forgive a person instantly, meaning you have no malice in your heart for that person. However, you have resentment or bitterness if you haven’t let go. Forgiveness is easy. Recovery is hard and can take some time. Depending on the severity of the action, it can take months or even years.

Forgiving a person doesn’t mean it erases the pain you feel consequent his or her actions. Nevertheless, you cannot let anything go without forgiveness, but you can forgive without letting go. Resentment causes the situation to gain power and control over you, not unforgiveness. Once you’ve forgiven and let go, then you can recover. As a result, it will no longer have power and control over you.

4. Are you still afflicted with a vice or bad habit?

• You can’t say your path is clear for the second quarter if you are still afflicted with a vice or bad habit you said you would let go for the new year. I understand some habits are harder to break such as smoking, but are you at least cutting back on the number of cigarettes you smoke daily? If you are taking steps toward overcoming that vice or breaking that bad habit, then it’s safe to say you’re moving in the right direction. Now if you are a cheating spouse whose resolution was to stop, you can’t give yourself credit for dropping the old one yet picking up something new. That does not count. Instead, you should consider a new hobby other than hunting or fishing.

5. Are you taking care of your body?

• You might not see how health and wellness correlate until you realize it’s harder to achieve your goals with a poor engine. You want to drive trucks? DOT won’t clear you with high blood pressure. You want to join the police force? They might tell you to lose weight. Considering modeling, acting, or singing? You’re going to need a lot of energy for that, and aesthetics is everything. If your goal is just to have a good life insurance plan, you might get denied if your levels are too high. So be proactive, get healthy, and get in shape.

6. Have you helped someone in need?

• If you have achieved success in the first quarter and you’re not giving back, then you have selfish motives. But whether you have or haven’t, you’re missing an important step because you reap what you sow. You never know when you might fall. People file bankrupt all the time, and it’s not just poor people. Should you ever fall short, would you expect people to give to you if you haven’t given to anyone? Your gifts don’t always have to be money. You can help people by offering your time or services. If you’ve done all the above except this last step, make it an appointment to give your time, talent, or treasure to someone who can benefit.

Life Goals

1. Is your current strategy working? Meaning, are you seeing results?

• If yes, keep it going and monitor activity regularly. This gives you the opportunity to focus on another goal. If no, try something different or improve your current method.
2. Are you tracking your progress?

• If not, you should. Otherwise, you won’t be able to determine what’s working and what’s not.
3. Have you met your quotas?

• If yes, great. Keep it up! If not, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Just set realistic goals next time, push harder, and be patient.
4. Are you on schedule/meeting deadlines?

• If yes, great! If no, consider budgeting your time wisely. Time management is crucial to success in any realm.
5. Have you written your goals for the second quarter?

• If yes, you’re on the right track. If no, what are you waiting for? Without goals, you have nothing to shoot for. Can you imagine watching a basketball game without goals? 😊
6. Are you keeping quiet about it?

• If yes, awesome! If no, hush. Your goals should be personal and as private as your social security number. You don’t have to tell people everything. If so, throw them of and remain a mystery. Some will applaud. Some will hate and pray on your downfall. And some will copy or try to beat you to the finish line.

So, whatever you are shooting for this year, map out a plan and follow it. Re-evaluate the plan every quarter, and make changes accordingly. You don’t have to stick to one plan for an entire year. Just try sticking to it for that quarter. But if you have no plan to achieve your goal, you can plan to fail at that endeavor.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear them.

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