Love – Life Lessons

Don’t Hit Send Yet

Have you ever received a message that ruffled your feathers or made you a little uncomfortable? Think about how you responded versus how you should’ve responded. I’ve had my share of those messages in the past, and I failed the test each time up until 2019.

Oftentimes, it’s not necessarily what was said but how it was conveyed or who delivered it. Sometimes people get offended by one word or remark that triggered the negative reaction. Nothing else mentioned in the entire message mattered.

We are all sensitive to a set of triggers that can really get our blood boiling. Typical triggers can include the use of profanity or sexually explicit language, mentioning a loved one or painful past event, a negative tone, threats, and etc. What sets you off can be determined by many factors, but the good news is, there are ways to combat it.

Whenever or if ever you receive a disturbing text or direct message, never respond right away. Take these steps instead:

Breathe

Breathing exercises can immediately cease the need to react with haste. It helps to relieve the anger and balance your emotions, allowing you to rationalize instead of antagonizing the situation. Take as many deep breaths as necessary to release all the negative energy stirred up from that unsettling message.

Think

There’s a reason behind every message. Sometimes the message has nothing to do with the reason, or the reason doesn’t quite align with the message. In that case, there’s an underlying problem that may have nothing to do with you.

I once received a disturbing phone call from a mutual friend. I was totally caught off guard and clueless to what she was saying. There was never bad energy between us, so I knew something was off.

During the first conversation, I mostly listened to what she had to say to try to understand her point, only to learn that there was none. She took her anger and frustration out on me because of some personal issues she was dealing with in her life. I thought I was just an easy target, until learning that she was going off on everyone in her circle.

I must admit, the second conversation didn’t go so well. I ended up using profanity and hanging up on her. That one offensive line hurt her feelings deeply. Sadly, I wished I had gone harder. Don’t judge me. God wasn’t through with me yet. However, I thank God I didn’t let the devil use me because that poor woman is still lost until this day.

Whether the person is totally out of line or has a reasonable explanation, always think before you speak. It can help you quickly diffuse the situation and ease the pain.

Forgive

If you know anything about forgiveness, then you should know this is for you, not necessarily the other person. It really does create inner peace. Holding onto anger and grudges take too much power and control over you. Trust me. I know from experience.

You may never forget how that person treated you, but at least, you’ll have peace of mind, which is priceless. If you need God’s help with forgiveness, seek it. Ask him to show his face, listen to your thoughts, and heal your heart from the pain this person has caused. If you don’t think you can do it the same day in which the message was received, then don’t respond that day. Allow yourself time to reflect and heal, so you can forgive.

It’s also okay to let the person know you’ve forgiven him or her. She’s ready to go back and forth. But remember, it doesn’t become a fight until you step into the ring. You’d be surprised at how your mature reaction can quickly put out a fire, unless you’re dealing with an unstable person or one with mental health issues.

Respond

Now that you’re ready to respond, how will you? If you still want to curse this person out, then you’re not ready because you haven’t healed. Not sure how? You can always keep it short and sweet by saying something like, “None of this is true. I pray you get the answers you’re seeking.” “Your problem is not with me, but I’ll be praying for you.” “I’m sorry you feel this way, but this is totally unacceptable. I pray you get the help you need.” “I’m offended by your message. None of this makes sense. Nevertheless. I forgive you and pray that you get the help you deserve.” “No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I’ll be praying for you.” Or you can always just say, “I’ll be praying for you.”

Sometimes it may be necessary to call or meet up, depending on the relationship or circumstances. Texting can get really ugly because many people don’t know how to communicate that way effectively, leading to messages getting misconstrued.

“Whether the message came from a foe or friend, think before hitting send. When communication gets lost, conflict begins.”

-Bianca A. McCormick-Johnson ✍🏽

Surround Yourself With Love

In a world full of hate, you must surround yourself with love. People who genuinely love you will never make you question the relationship. They will stand with you in pain and defend you in private or public, but they will also tell you when you’re wrong because they love you. You may see them or talk to them every day, but they’re always just one call away. These types of people create healthy environments, but they may not always include your family members.

Identify your circle of love

You should know who really loves you. If not, now is a good time to find out. If you’re not sure of how, call them up and tell them you want to see them. If they don’t sound a bit excited, they care nothing about seeing you and clearly don’t love you, unless there is some reasonable explanation for their reaction.

I only interact with people who are delighted to see me. Their energy tells me everything I need to know. When I visit my family and friends, their smile is big enough to light the room. If I don’t feel positive energy when I enter a room, I won’t feel welcome and will keep my distance.

Prioritize the relationship

Good people should never be placed on the back burner. However, some people have a habit of hanging around people who don’t love them. That’s how important acceptance is to people. So many people have told me they don’t have many friends but keep an entourage everywhere they go. I understand the concept of keeping your enemies closer, but if you’re always surrounded by negative energy, how do you expect to have a positive outlook on life?

Instead of hanging out with your enemies, pray for them instead. You need to be as closest to people who value you, appreciate you, love you, and care about you. Those are the ones who will show up for you, listen to you, make you feel special, and remember you. Your name will always be at the top of their guest list.

Pray for them

Whenever someone asks you to intercede in prayer, you should. Prayer is more powerful than anything else you can give. Plus, it only takes seconds! However, it’s those prayers that people don’t ask for that are more meaningful.

If I tell you I lost my job, I shouldn’t have to ask you to pray for me. If I tell you I’m ill, I shouldn’t have to ask. If I tell you I just haven’t been myself lately, I shouldn’t have to ask. No matter what the situation is, if you are made aware, I shouldn’t have to ask you for prayer.

Speaking of prayer, when people you love announce their loss, pain, or hardship on social media, don’t just throw prayer hands up without words of encouragement. Better yet, take the time to type a short prayer or send a private message. The phone always works too.

Sometimes God meets your needs through the people he places in your life. Take a few minutes to think about all the times someone from your circle of love has helped you, even if it was just emotional support or prayers.

“Your safe space of grace should consist of people who love you. They are anointed by God to give you immediate access to his blessings.”

-Bianca A. McCormick-Johnson ✍🏽

The Nuances and Nuisances of Colorism

Imagine there were 50 shades of black. Then point to where you fall on the color spectrum. If your value depended on color, the lighter end of the spectrum, would you feel privileged or better than the others? Given the opportunity to think about it, you might say no. Color doesn’t matter. But your behavior often overshadows your beliefs. Otherwise, you would not identify as red bone, yellow bone, or fair skin. Beautiful Black Queen would suffice.

And when are we going to stop looking at the baby’s ear to determine his or her chances of turning dark? Why should the child’s color matter? Even if both parents are light skin , there is still a chance of the child having some color. I’ve seen it! We love to see color in television, pictures, art, outfits, hair, pretty much everything but skin complexion. We love it so much until we see it in ourselves.

I don’t care whether you are the darkest brown to the lightest brown, yellow, red, or in between, you are all beautiful. That’s what I love about us. We come in so many different shades and wear them all extremely well. How dare they say we all look alike!

I love to see my dark skin sisters in bright colors and dark or red hair.

I love to see my brown skin sisters in bright or warm colors with dark or honey blonde hair (#27 & #30).

I love to see my light skin sisters in dark colors and blonde hair.

I’m not putting limits on what you can wear and how you wear it. Do you! These are only examples of what I love to see. But what I love to see the most is a mixture of all shades in one group. Such a beautiful site to see!

Beauty is only skin deep….Is it really?

How come we don’t define other races’ beauty by their skin complexion? Is it that we have been programmed to believe that anyone who is lighter gets bonus beauty points by default? Is it that they check every box in the beauty department without question? (skin complexion, hair, facial features) I never hear my people highlight their skin complexion when judging their appearance. They are either attractive or unattractive, but their color typically never has anything to do with their judgment.

However, it’s not our fault. Society has separated us by color and shown more favor to people with lighter complexions. The issue is also present among Asians. But no one carries the burden like a dark-skinned, nappy-headed African American. So while you’re highlighting your light complexion in a harmless way, just remember that your dark skin child may not reap the same benefits as you. That tall, dark, and handsome man you chose may produce a darkie. And when he does, you’d better teach him or her that black is beautiful, and the two of you are no different. Remember, when that cop pulls you over, you’re still a nigger.

My Background

Growing up in my household, we were not separated by color. About half of us are light skin, and the other half is dark skin. Until this day, none of my light skin sisters identify as red bone or yellow bone. They don’t see a difference because it doesn’t change our race or who we are.

Our parents treated us all the same. I cannot recall one time in my life that my parents treated me any differently from my light skin sisters. I knew that I was loved and favored by all my family members.

Nevertheless, bad treatment among dark skin children is indeed common in some Black households or families, including daycares and schools.

What can we do about it?

Stop telling the Black woman she is cute for a dark skin chick. It’s not a compliment. It’s actually an insult. Either she’s cute or not, but her skin complexion shouldn’t have anything to do with it.

Stop letting your light skin complexion define your beauty. Drop the red bone and yellow bone. Those terms were used to separate us. Let your true beauty speak for itself. Besides, beauty comes in all shades.

This one is particularly for Black men. When referring to an attractive Black woman, stop putting emphasis on her light complexion first. I don’t think you mean any harm, and some of you may do it subconsciously, but you are part of the problem. Just say she’s an attractive Black woman🙄.

You can still have your preference. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if you believe one looks better than the other based on color, then you’re color blind, brainwashed, and mentally enslaved.

Celebrity’s Choice

We can’t stop the rappers. Their job is to sell records. I don’t know what putting a light skin woman first has to do with it, but mentioning them as a color preference tends to be their favorite bars (lyrics).

Then your other favorite Black celebrities, who have the pick of the draw, go beyond color. They go for a whole different race. Again, that is their preference. But it does look like the more successful you are as a Black man, the more likely you are to choose a light skin woman, as if dark skin woman are not good enough.

Meanwhile, we’re trying to teach little dark skin girls that they are just as beautiful, but our own people are showing them that they are not the preferred choice. And you wonder why she has a hard time loving herself? It’s easy to say that people need to love themselves but can be harder to do when rejected by their own people.

People, you are entitled to a preference. I prefer vanilla ice cream over chocolate, and in my opinion, it does taste better. But we can’t treat each other like we treat ice cream. As Black people, we should all be able to share the same story, but we can’t because of the damage we’ve done to each other and what we have allowed from others.

To My Brown Skin Girls🗣️

Stop claiming melanin only when you think it matters, yet you return to skin lightening and contouring with makeup once the movement is over. Black power comes in all shades as well. I’m glad we can still come together for a freedom fight or to reform justice for one of our own, regardless of color, but the little battles within matter too. However, those start with You.

“Don’t let your light complexion create a misperception of who you are. Remember, every color has its own identity until mixed with black.”

-Bianca A. McCormick-Johnson ✍🏽