Stop Living Vicariously Through Your Children

Children are the biggest blessing one could ask for. There’s nothing more beautiful than having a child in your own image. It’s a bonus when they actually look like you. But must they live in your shadow with smoother edges?

You’re lucky if your child wants to be like you. But children should be allowed to have their own identity, and you should encourage that. If by chance they do follow in your footsteps, don’t ruin the experience by curating their lifestyle to fit your taste. Their life is no art show. It’s their life.

You can’t use them as a time machine to go back and do things differently or more fashionably. Continue to work on yourself, for that is the best example you can give them. They’ll appreciate that more than you trying to make their moves fit your groove.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting your kids to look as good as you or better. Be smarter than you. Do more than you did. See things you didn’t. Go places you’ve never been. But when your heartfelt desires start putting too much pressure on them, you need to give them some time and space to think about what they want for their own lives.

Some men will go as far as signing their sons up for football when he might be better at baseball. It’s okay to keep them active, but let them choose their own sport.

Some women may encourage their daughters to join the dance team when she’d rather join the band. Does it matter which uniform she chooses as long as she’s involved in some extracurricular activity?

If you missed out on something your heart desired as a child, that does not make it okay to pursue or live it through your child. If she chooses to keep it simple for prom, then let her. If he chooses to go to prom alone, then let him. These are not acts of disobedience. They’re called choices.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are limits to choices. If you can afford to put your child in an excellent private school, but she prefers public school, that’s too bad. She shouldn’t have a choice, unless she can present valid reasons through research and other fact findings to defend her choice. Most kids won’t do that, by the way. Nevertheless, you must still be in agreement. Education is important. Her desire to wear street clothes, name brand, and exotic hair and nails to look cool is irrelevant.

If he doesn’t want to represent your alma mater, it should be okay as long as he is pursuing a good education and living his dream. If he chooses Alabama State Crimson Tide over the LSU Tigers, at least he’s still playing football.

Don’t kill their dreams with your agenda. Instead, celebrate their individuality and support their choices. You can find “me” in the word “dream”, but there are no alphabets that can form “you”.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

Photo: Flickr. Beauty Queen by Dancerdawg2luv

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Toxic Relationships in a Toxic World

I’m not sure why anyone would want to stay in a toxic relationship, but it has indeed become the norm for many couples. You can judge by the featured photo how draining it can be. I guess the toxins of the earth is spilling over into relationships and contaminating good soil🤷🏽‍♀️. Regardless of the reason, it is unhealthy because high levels of toxicity can be damaging to your mind, body, and spirit.

Men and women alike enter one toxic relationship after another and often wonder why they never work out. If your doctor told you a particular food ingredient was threatening your life, would you continue to eat it? Unfortunately, evidence in the health and relationship realm proves that many have continued with their bad habits.

You can choose your battles in relationships or just let things be, but when the relationship itself is a daily battle, then it’s considered toxic. According to verywellmind, “a toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked.” Please be mindful that toxic relationships are not limited to dating partners. As mentioned in previous blogs, it can exist within friendships and other alliances. However, I am going to focus on dating partners.

Let’s break down the meaning of a toxic relationship by defining its strong points. Whether it’s abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, selfishness, jealousy, or insecurity, each one falls under one of the four categories below.

Unsupported

Support is bigger than backing your decision to go back to school or start a business. Your partner must be willing to sacrifice time and endure emotional stress. Avoid applying pressure. Adapt to the changes, and pitch in where he or she can. Allow time for self care, and put some requests on hold.

A person can feel unsupported in many other aspects of life, such as with raising kids, budgeting and saving, planning and decision-making, resolving problems, defending one’s character, or simply standing up for that person when he or she feels attacked by family members or peers.

Failing to act or acting dishonorably can make one feel unsupported. If he’s jealous, he’s unsupportive. If she’s insecure, she’s unsupportive. If you are selfish, you are unsupportive. As you can see, the concept of being unsupportive has so many levels to it. A healthy relationship has no place for the latter.

Misunderstood

Gaslighting is a perfect way of making one feel misunderstood. Conversations and messages get misconstrued and twisted, causing self doubt. Narcissists are good at gaslighting. They are arrogant manipulators who don’t like to be wrong and often play the victim. They like to deflect and make you look like the fool or idiot, if you try to challenge or correct them.

It’s possible to feel misunderstood in any relationship, depending on the circumstances. However, if you’re left feeling misunderstood often, then communication and understanding are definitely tainted in your relationship.

Demeaned

Any words not spoken out of love or support can be demeaning. If he says, “you’re nothing without him,” that’s demeaning. If she says, “you’ll never get the promotion because you’re not smart enough,” that’s demeaning. If you often feel insulted or put down by your partner, you are being demeaned in that relationship.

Attacked

Let’s be clear. Correction is not a form of attack. You must be willing to accept constructive criticism in a healthy relationship. It is when correction is combined with aggression that makes it an attack. Nevertheless, an attack does not have to involve correction. It can verbal or physical abuse. Relationships of that sort present high enough levels of toxicity to be considered dangerous.

Toxic behavior can be treated, but the individual must be willing to undergo treatment and apply the necessary changes. If you are the partner, you must be patient and supportive. I believe any relationship can be saved, but not every relationship is worth it.

Your decision to stay in a toxic relationship is your choice, but your happiness depends on it.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

Photo: Flickr. How Your Relationship Becomes Toxic by Lyle Evans

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Protect Your Good Heart

You should show love to everyone who crosses your path, but be careful with whom you show care to. I’m not saying not to care at all. Just minimize it when it comes to strangers and those you are not well acquainted with. People will take your kindness for granted and bruise your heart with their selfish motives.

My Experience

At one time, I was an easy target to get over on. All you had to do was feed me a sad story, and I would figure out a way to help. I wasn’t a random selection. People sense when you are benevolent, especially when you showcase your noble character consistently. You may not seem likely to say no, and if this is so, then you must learn to.

I once received a direct message out of the blue from a former colleague. We were never friends, other than on social media, but we supported each other. She sold clothes. I sold books. The exchange was friendly and much appreciated on each end. I even went the extra mile and shared her new releases on social media often because I was inspired by her hustle. So when things started to get rough around the edges, I guess she figured I wouldn’t mind helping her out.

She pitched me this sad story about being stranded on the side of the road because of a mechanical breakdown. She claimed she had rolled over something and needed to pay for a part. She caught me at a busy time at work, so I didn’t get the full details and let the whole story digest. Otherwise, I would have asked, “Don’t you need the car towed to get the part installed?”

I didn’t bother about the details because I thought I was helping out a “seemingly” good person. She would always post her charity work and other acts of benevolence. Besides, the transaction was supposed to be a loan, not a grant. She had also claimed that she only needed my funds because hers was not accessible for some reason. Therefore, I was supposed to be getting my money back that same day. Needless to say, that never happened.

Long story short, she led me on for about a month before I realized she was never going to pay me back. She played so many games and told so many lies until I was convinced that she was a certified con artist and lunatic. By that time, I was so furious, my last text message to her was sharp enough to cut through steel. One of my friends, who was well acquainted with the perpetrator, said I went too hard because she was not mentally stable. However, she was stable and functional enough to plot and scheme. Therefore, I was unapologetic, especially after learning that she had asked several others for the same amount, using the same excuse. She had the board game mapped out. I was only one of her players.

We must stop playing the mental card every time someone commits a crime. Some people are mentally ill, whereas some are cunning, treacherous, or pure evil. Either way, no one is exempt from punishment.

Please understand that I am very aware and sensitive to mental health issues, for I have family members suffering with mental illness. I recently lost a brother-in-law who suffered with bipolar disorder and paranoia. But there is a significant difference between a con artist and one who’s bipolar, paranoid, or schizophrenic.

Their Problem is Not Your Problem

Help whomever you can whenever you can, but do not make his or her problem your problem. It’s not selfishness. It’s called protecting your peace. You cannot help everyone. You cannot save everyone. It’s not even your duty to do so because you are not God. Saying no is a way of practicing self-care, not selfishness. Even spiritual leaders turn down some assignments. Your inability or unwillingness to help someone will not reduce your character or shorten your blessings. God knows your heart.

Nevertheless, if you watch someone fall or suffer when you could have been a blessing, your heart has become contaminated. Use your gift of discernment when helping others, but don’t ever ignore your call of duty. Obedience has no limits.

Don’t Lend, Just Give

I learned that it is better to just give instead of lend. It removes the element of anger or disappointment when that person cannot or will not pay you back. You’ll also feel more like a blessing than a bank when doing so. Either give your due tithe/offering or an amount that will not hurt your pockets. However, if you already have a good lending relationship with some people, there’s no need to change the terms now. Still, don’t lend an amount you may miss because the borrower’s promise to pay back can always be compromised by some unforeseen event or extenuating circumstance. That’s why professional lenders require collateral.

I’ve been a borrower, lender, and giver. The latter has always felt better because borrowers have to beg and lenders risk losing, but givers receive the priceless gift of peace, amongst other things. Giving a provides a kind of peace that removes the anxiety from borrowing and pressure from lending. Try it!

The Lessons

In the case of the con artist, I made peace with the situation and accepted the loss a long time ago. Anger only adds to stress and steals your joy. Thus, I have forgiven her wholeheartedly. The lessons learned from that instance is to never let someone else’s problem create an urgency on your part, if that person is not in your circle of love, and always be prepared to give what God has placed on your heart. Nonetheless, if ever you are uncertain, especially with all the scams nowadays, always pray for guidance first.

Have a heart, but be smart.

And remember…
“Make sense of what you do, and make every cent count.”

Photo: Flickr. Heart by Evelien Noens

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